The Low Down
What is coaching?
Coaching is an art form. It’s a co-creative relationship where we get close, intimate, and vulnerable around where you want to go in your life. I ask questions, offer reflections, make a suggestion or two all in service of you coming to your own answers. Sounds easy, right?
Not usually. Oftentimes, it’s the stuff we are unable or unwilling to see that holds us back from getting what we want. A coach plays a crucial role in shining a light on those blind spots so that you can make an intentional choice in where you want to go and develop a capacity to trust yourself.
If this sounds abstract, it’s because it is. Coaching is highly intersubjective which means it is very specific to your life, your situation, and your aspirations. Said another way, it’s the opposite of a strict, empirical science where the experience can be measured and standardized.
And that’s actually a good thing. You are a unique individual with your own needs, wants, and desires. The moment coaching becomes formulaic is the moment it loses its specificity to you.
I like to think of working with a coach as similar to learning how to salsa dance.
I can try my best to describe the steps, rhythm, and flow of salsa but it will never compare to just getting on the dance floor and moving. That’s because salsa is ultimately an experiential process and not an intellectual one.
The same can be said of coaching. Giving advice is cheap, easy, and usually ineffective. It’s really the art of working with someone who will point out how a pattern around not standing up for yourself is showing up both in your unwillingness to ask for a raise and in setting boundaries with your in-laws. That can be really valuable depending on how large the gap is between where you are right now and the life you want to create.
Typically, people don’t know if coaching is for them until they give it a try. I would suggest scheduling a sample session and deciding at the end if you want more.
Why should I work with a coach?
If you are asking this question, I can totally relate.
I am a good project manager and already practice cultivating awareness through friends, mentors, therapy, meditation, books, etc. Why work with a coach? This sounds like a thing that people with too much money do.
Here’s the distinction. If you are already doing a bunch of self-work but still feel like you’re not where you want to be, a coach can be a game changer.
I’ll borrow some verbiage from another coach, Adam Quiney, who says it best:
If coaching was about managing something, then yes. You can definitely become your own project manager, and manage your life, because project management isn’t about addressing your blindspots — it’s about managing things.
But coaching…is about tackling your blindspots, and trying to do that on your own is like trying to bite your own teeth, see your own eyeball, or taste your own tongue.
It’s inherently contradictory to try and do that, and it just doesn’t make sense.
Some people still insist that they can coach themselves, but that’s because these people have never actually had an experience of deep, transformative coaching, and so they don’t really have anything to compare it to, and the temporary, incremental change they’re creating seems to them like transformation.
Once you’ve had the experience of really profound coaching, you’ll never make the mistake that you can coach yourself again. Manage yourself, sure, but coach yourself — no.
Is coaching a scam?
I was super skeptical when I first got involved with coaching. This industry is fraught with self-help gurus, wannabe therapists, and the guy who woke up one day and declared himself a life coach (Forbes did an excellent piece on this).
The problem is that the International Coaching Federation (ICF), which sets standards and certifications for coaches, currently lacks the enforcement capability that say the American Medical Association (doctors) or the American Psychological Association (therapists) has over who can call themselves a coach. That means that there is a super low barrier to entry to calling yourself a coach and that tends to dilute and, unfortunately, give vastly different experiences of coaching.
That, however, does not mean all coaching is a scam. In fact, it is well documented that coaches play a crucial role for everyone from business leaders to activists (see these articles: Forbes, Harvard Business Review, The Cut).
My recommendation is that if you are looking to hire a coach, check for all of the following:
Completion of an Accredited Coach Training Program (you can find a list here) — this is important because it ensures that the coach you are working with is following ICF competencies (the gold standard in coaching) and has had training, mentorship, and, most importantly, hundreds of hours of experience working with clients and getting reviewed by senior coaches. Be skeptical of the person who did a 2-day course and calls himself a coach.
Actively working with their own coach — you’ve got to practice what you preach. Coaches are human and thus have their blind spots and areas of growth. If the coach you are looking to hire isn’t working with his own coach, chances are that person has an inflated ego and thinks he’s above the service he is offering you.
Coaches to dynamics and not just content — a bad coach will try to fix your situation, a good coach will help you see past it, a great coach points a light at the overall dynamic and asks you whether that dynamic is serving you. True growth comes from getting some real elevation on your particular situation and seeing how it is a symptom of a much bigger belief. A coach who strictly focuses on the problem du jour will tend to leave you feeling like you made no progress after months of coaching.
Resonance — work with the coach in which a part of you lights up after your conversation with them. Who your coach is in the world should resonate with some fundamental fiber in your soul. If the conversation afterwards leaves you in some combination of shock and optimism, trust your instincts to go with that person.
How long does it take to work?
Coaching is not about short-term fixes. In fact, if the coach you are speaking to is prescribing a short-term solution, I would promptly thank them for their time and get off the phone!
Why? Because coaching is a little like going to the gym. Yes, you could try short-term tricks (taking steroids, binging or fasting, etc.) but what’s predictable is that you are exactly in the same place a year from now.
Coaching is an investment in yourself. It is not a consumable. And just like working out, it takes time to identify your gaps, build up good habits, and gain the metaphorical muscles that will last your whole life.
I would recommend not working with anyone less than 6 months if you are looking for a transformational experience.
What’s the difference between coaching and therapy?
Generally speaking, therapy is focused on healing. Therapists work with patients to process emotional or traumatic experiences typically from the past that hold patients back from living in the present.
Coaching is focused on transformation and tends to be grounded in the future you want to create. It can be good for your emotional wellbeing to finally start a family or transition into the job you actually care about but the primary intent of coaching is to support you in making those changes, not to heal.
Sometimes, you will see “coaches” who provide specific services like resume reviews, strength and weakness analysis, cover letters, and interview preparation. Being an expert on some domain or technique is broadly classified as consulting and not coaching according to the ICF. Consulting can be really important, but if it’s treated as the main entrée instead of as a side dish, you will likely end up in the same situation sooner or later.
Consulting and therapy both have their place, and a good coach will know when to refer you to those specific services.